having a meltdown no one will see is kind of fun. i guess it's more fun than journaling because someone might see it
i do feel like i have to earn love by being myself though
i don't get extra karmic credit because my job is hard and sort of decent for the world and no one else could do it well.. i still only get one life and i want to fall in love and go on adventures. i don't have to earn that by first doing work
x is bad for me, bsky is bad for me, youtube is bad for me, lichess is bad for me. working is good for me (actually), singing is good for me, gardening is good for me, cooking is good for me, sleeping is good for me. i feel horrible. i've let stress turn me into a caricature of myself
the way i engage with chess is bad for me
feeling like shit about myself and trying to turn inwards for validation
this job is making me so fucking unwell ... even when i'm killing it i feel like i'm in a cloud of overpromising and underdelivering on a planetary scale
hmmm falling hard for someone, really asking for trouble here
pretending to be less competent than i am so people are compelled to parent me ... an age-old scam
i think i complain about my job because i don’t want to make it look too easy
hardwera
ceo inbox zero just hits different
when you have enough clout they just let you do it. you can just Be Wrong on the TL and everyone forgets
there's a baby crying on this plane and i want to hold it
yoooooooooooooooooge lift
what if you severed your corpus callosum and your verbal narrativizing self wanted to live but your experiencing self wanted to die
my kids will never experience my mom's brilliance for themselves and i have to be okay with that somehow
in the grand scheme of ebb and flow it's flow time
death isn’t here yet, death is in the next room over, like a familiar houseguest
comforted my friend when she was struggling and she went home and wrote a song about it
it's so good that it sounds like a song that's been around forever, like an ancient hymn or devotion
searing my synapses
the 'which way' meme but on one side is a singer 911 and the other is a rauh-welt 911
how would these books make me feel
what about a life without youtube
dreams need new themes; these are getting old
just graduated this round of therapy, feeling happy and proud and grateful for my therapist
distracting myself from the icu by making a small change to ffmpeg, feeling like a real hacker
whoaaaa nelly post tattoo comedown is intense
affirmations: my nemesis will definitely not be at dweller festival dubstep night
consciousness is inherently so psychedelic
i’m at the railway cathedral
i’m at the monument to capitalism
i’m at the combination railway cathedral and monument to capitalism
how long will i be sick? only time will tell. cough, cough
the number of oscilloscopes in my life is at an all-time high
new york in the winter is really lovely and you can’t change my mind
thoughts on being in love: the abundance of joy beggars belief
overhead at work: "gotta become a webpack expert to know how to delete webpack"
it's surprising how much more efficient it is carbon-wise to drive to toronto than fly there. 8 grams / mile carbon emitted on the motorcycle for 490 miles (~4kg) vs ~100kg for a direct flight
when there's a certain kind of goodness in my life
my room is clean
this kind of goodness, though
is new to me
my plans are in shambles
seeing ESR cited in the wikipedia page on gift economies 🤢
things adderall is probably useful for: finally putting cue points in all the tracks in your dj set
i clean my room because "a staff engineer actively reduces chaos"
not having to work again but not being able to buy nice things for friends is the wrong balance. financial independence budget now includes buying drinks for friends :)
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